So again, it's 7 am and you've just found out that it's the Zombie Apocalypse. Feel free to turn on the TV (quietly) and see the news unfolding while it's still being broadcast. Maybe your area isn't in the thick of it yet - but by the time people really realize that it's the big ZA, you're definitely going to have a nice front-line view of the action. Let's hope for your sake that you saw the early signs: so-called "riots" and senseless violence spreading like a plague, probably in multiple cities. You'll know it's the apocalypse because even rioters take time to make slogan signs most of the time.
You need to get ready, and the only things on hand right away are the things in your house. We'll go through and rate most of the things you probably have based on their usefulness to you, either as a tool or a weapon.
Your bedroom. If you're very unlucky, you're already right in the middle of it, and there might already be a zombie in your hall, if not in the room itself. Hopefully not the person in bed with you; you might already have been bitten, in that case, and you probably don't have time to amputate the infected limb before it spreads to your heart (really, if that's even possible, you'd have a minute or two at best - if you've got a sharp tool handy I say go for it, but no promises here). If you have a home-defense gun hidden away, now's the time to get it. If not (and probably not, I'm betting), you probably have some of these things:
Your pillow:
As a weapon: It's a pillow, so not very good. At best, throwing it will distract a zombie long enough for you to grab something better.
As a survival aid: Better sleep is a plus, but this will probably be a luxury. Keep it fairly low on your priority list.
Run: The pillowcase will make a handy carry-sack for other items you'll want; if your pillow's nice and flat, there should be plenty of room. It's pretty bulky though, and not handy to carry over any distance; better if you have a backpack or messenger bag, since these will have about the same amount of room but are much more portable.
Hide: Nothing carries your scent like the pillow you've been sleeping on for years. Zombies might not be smart enough to track your scent, but if they find the thing while you're out, the fresh scent on it might be enough stimulation to keep them interested in the area long enough for you to get back.
Fortify: As a pillow, it's not worth much, but the foam or down filling might find alternative applications.
Bedsheets:
As a weapon: pretty lousy in general. What are you going to do, kill the zombies with warm comfy goodness? unlikely.
As a survival aid: Blankets will be a serious "must" for sleeping outdoors if you plan to do so; the sheets can also be cut and used for other things.
Run: The blankets are bulky; if you don't have a good way to carry them, they'll probably slow you down.
Hide: Like the pillow, these will hold your scent, especially after a few weeks without a shower. Nothing says "a living person has been sleeping here" like some bedsheets.
Fortify: For any long-term survival, you'll eventually want some creature comforts like these. Little touches like sheets will make your lair the lair to barely cling to survival in.
The lamp:
As a weapon: Table lamps are better than a pillow for throwing, but you have to unplug it if you want it to mean anything. Floor lamps might stand a chance of lasting through one encounter, assuming you yourself do. If you want to convert a floor lamp to a portable weapon, remove the cord and shade and also the base, if the base is heavy and can be removed.
As a survival aid: electricity won't last long, and having a light on at night will only attract the wrong kind of attention. More a survival liability than an aid.
Run: The heavy base won't help you, but like other stick-like objects you can hang a hobo-bag on it to help you carry things from one place to another.
Hide: Once you take the unnecessary parts off, this doesn't really hurt your ability to hide as long as you keep it as much out of sight as you are yourself.
Fortify: a good heavy lamp could be part of a barricade - and if you have to make that barricade in your bedroom, it's certainly one of the only tools available.
The bed itself:
As a weapon: Too big. Even its individual parts are too big. If you can actually disassemble the bed frame, some of the long metal pieces could be useful, but still pretty heavy.
As a survival aid: really only good as part of a temporary barricade.
Run: You can't bring it with you without a big truck.
Hide: It's not exactly inconspicuous, but if you've got a lair you might as well hope it's already got a bed in it - you'll never move one in unseen.
Fortify: Again, it's good as part of a barricade, and if you include it in your plans for a semi-permanent dwelling you'll get bonus points for comfort, but you'll live just as long sleeping on a bare floor.
The closet rod
As a weapon: you might not have thought of it right away, but if you can get it out it will make a decent bludgeoning weapon. Some of these rods feature a reinforced core of metal to keep it from bending under the weight of clothing. This also makes it a stronger weapon for bashing in the heads of the undead. Without the metal core, yours will have a shorter lifespan as a weapon.
As a survival aid: not good for much. Unlike the lamp which probably has contours you can use, the closet rod is too smooth to easily hook bags or other objects to for carrying. If it's long enough, you can balance two buckets on it for hauling water.
Run: Lightweight and compact, very portable.
Hide: Long, but not bright or overly conspicuous. Great for smashing rats, which helps keep you from needing to go out among the undead too often.
Fortify: The closet rod is thick enough that it can be easily modified without losing much strength; the end can be sharpened, or you can attach knives or other tools with nails or duct tape. It's also easy to re-purpose to other uses.
Other furniture:
The dresser, the TV, etc: If there's zombies outside your bedroom door, you can use anything heavy to make a barricade in front of the door. Hopefully, the door opens into the room, not out into the hall; zombies probably aren't smart enough to turn the knob, but you never really know.
Next, we'll assume you are free to roam your house; maybe you managed to kill the zombies in your hall, maybe they weren't there to start with. Maybe you escaped through the bathroom window and are now in someone else's house.
There's not much of use in your living room that wasn't in your bedroom, unless you have a fire place; in that case....
The fireplace poker:
As a weapon: Probably better than most of what you have so far in terms of raw power. Most of these are some kind of heavy metal like cast iron, so a good swing gives a lot of power. The problem is in control; that weight isn't balanced as a weapon should be, so if you miss you miss big. And then the zombie gets you.
As a survival aid: can't beat it for stirring a campfire.
Run: It's heavy, but fairly compact. Easy enough to pick up and go, handy enough to carry easily. The weight is a factor, so if you have any other weapons and much more to carry, you might need to leave it behind.
Hide: It's probably black, so that's a plus. Doesn't hurt or help much otherwise.
Fortify: A heavy tool like this will probably have a lot of different uses, but there's certainly a better tool for any of those possible uses. It's better than having nothing, though.
Now, on to the more useful room: the kitchen!
Knives, knives, knives:
As a weapon: probably the most useful thing in your house so far, but you have to be close - much too close! - to really use them. But if you get that close, you'll be good to have one or a dozen handy. Wooden handles are out - rubber handles are in! they slip less when covered in blood and can be cleaned more completely than porous wood - no lingering zombification!
Attach them to sticks or poles for a longer reach. You can even throw them... but don't count on getting it right the first time. Or any of the first ten thousand; kitchen knives generally aren't built for that, and even those that will work OK will take a lot of practice.
As a survival aid: Cut things? Yes, please! Scissors are good too, but a knife is both a tool and an instrument of death.
Run: Portable and a half. You can make holsters from duct tape, cloth, just about anything, and strap them to your limbs all over.
Hide: Great, for all the same reasons.
Fortify: A great tool, mostly for cutting things, but also as part of a trap! Traps are only of limited use, and we'll talk about them more some other time. Sharp metal points are an important part of most trap structures, though. Pitfalls, swinging or closing walls; etc; sharp points make dead things stick, and you might just hit something vital enough to make the dead thing more dead than before.
Failing the existence of knives in your kitchen... maybe you're not a knife person, or something. That doesn't help your chances of survival, yeah, but I'm here to make your chances better, right?
so:
Wooden spoons: Surely you have these!
As a weapon: pretty pathetic next to knives, but if you break them you'll have one of the oldest weapons in human history: A pointed stick! Just about anything long and made of something like wood could be turned into a pointed stick, so follow these ancient tips on the ancient art of the using of the ancient pointed wooden stick. Pointy end goes in the other person. Get that? Write it down. The "pointy end" is the end you broke off, or sharpened (or would have, if you had any knives...), and the "other person" is the person you wish to harm who is not you; in your case, that's probably a zombie. This seems simple, but if your life ever depends on using a wooden stick, you'll be too scared to shit your pants properly, never mind remember which end of the pointed stick to put in the zombie's head. Best to memorize those instructions now.
As a survival aid: You'll use them any time and every time you cook. For the love of God, don't mix up the ones you kill with with the ones you cook with. Same goes for your knives, ok? Common sense, but remember it.
Run/Hide/Fortify: Not good for much beyond what I've already said, yeah? But it's a wooden spoon. What do you expect from them? It's not like Gilligan's island where everything can be made from bamboo.
Pots and Pans:
As a weapon: Will do as a bludgeon in a pinch, but don't waste them if you can help it.
As a survival aid: Cook your food! Duh!
Run: keep it to just a couple essentials. You know perfectly well that you only use like two of the ones you have anyway. You throw in another once in a while to keep it interesting, but you can make your favorites work for all your needs if you have to - and guess what, you have to.
Hide: loud and clunky. Put something soft between them to keep the noise down or you'll draw attention any time you move.
Fortify: Easily replaced if you have to leave them behind, depending on where you happen to be. If you grow a group up around you, you'll need several cookpots to prepare meals, maybe a variety of smaller ones for different foods.
Appliances.... all run on electricity. Don't bother. not good for anything but hitting things with, and not much good for that.
Kitchen Chairs: not useful in themselves... but break them apart, and BOOM! Pointed stick city! see above for more pointed stick details.
Next time, we'll be going downstairs... well, downstairs for me, maybe not for you. I keep all my vehicles underground in my compound, a great idea if you can do it, but my point is, we'll be going through your garage and picking out some great killing tools. If you make it down there alive, you'll find some great stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment