The Un-life Aquatic

It's Thanksgiving today; for some, it's a day of eating with abandon and otherwise moving very little, if at all. In a way, that makes it a great day to be a zombie. Of course, for those who celebrate the holiday the meals will be special things you don't get every day - that's just one thing that makes being alive wonderful, because once you're a zombie it's leftover brains and innards all day every day until you rot away.


Thankful? Oh yes. Quite.

Just a minor interjection in our regularly scheduled broadcast. It's a day of thanks, and I do believe in expressing thanks for the things we have every day. To that end, I'd like to say a few words here, from myself and my household to whomever or whatever should happen to be responsible for it all.

Above all, I am thankful, this and every day, to be alive. There is nothing more precious than life; it can be lost so easily, and nothing can ever replace it. I've spent so many years with mine, and I would not trade it for any other, and I'll protect it even if it kills me.
Naturally, I'm thankful that there are not millions of zombies populating the world. Prepared as I may be, that's still not something I ever want to happen.
Also, I'm thankful for my family, both the one I grew up with and the one I joined when I married my dear wife. It is for their sake, as much as mine, that I chose to take tangible steps to prepare for the Apocalypse.

Greatly on my mind today is how thankful I am for food, of all kinds and flavors. Turkeys and other fowl, pigs and goats, the occasional cow; these are animals that make such wonderful livestock and such delicious food. Surely they are proof of God's existence, for I can not imagine what other use these animals could have in the world if not to feed us. Vegetables, too; grains, for breads and for beer; aliums like onions and leeks; roots like carrots and potatoes; beans, greens, fruits, and shoots. Life abundant, all through the world, and we are so fortunate as to care for it and be honored by its nutrition. Being stewards of our food sources, and the land they all depend on, is likely to be the most important lesson we will learn after the destruction of society.

May we, who live in such plenty, give thanks for our blessings and offer our hopes for those who do not. Let us enjoy what we do have, since we may lose it at any time. Let us not lose these things without first enjoying and appreciating each and every one.

I'd also like to thank you, the reader; whether you take me seriously or not, any of my words that you remember may save a life one day, so just by being here, you are helping save the world. Without you, my mission is worse than hopeless. So thank you, and keep up the fight for humanity, today and every day.


"Did you hear about New York?"

When the end begins, it's going to start in one place before it spreads to the rest of us. We won't hear about it right away unless the authorities know what they're doing - so we probably won't hear about it right away, and probably not until it's much much too late.
Wherever it starts, it's going to spread quickly; if it starts somewhere suburban or even rural, it will probably spread faster than the news of it. That is, until it reaches a major urban center. In a major urban area, there are news people all over the place, and the kind of hell that will be caused by zombie outbreak will certainly interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting. You might hear about "riots" or even "violent protest" (because if it can sound political it's more newsworthy, right?), though no one will have any real information on what the cause is.

Once the violence reaches a certain level, it'll be interrupting the regularly scheduled broadcasting where you live too, even if you're in LA. "Unexplained riots in the streets of New York City, violence spreading through the streets, death tolls impossible to estimate." Someone will mention terrorism; some terrorist bastard must have released a chemical that made the people crazy. Never mind that there's no evidence; at least it's not a real unholy plague of the undead. This story will probably be the basis for most of the stories people will spread about what "really happened".
But you'll just think, "Holy crap, that's awful! I hope it never happens here!"
But it will.


Making Pickles: more important than you think.

Think about it for a minute. Think about pickles.
Pickles are vegetables (we usually think of cucumbers) that have been preserved for long-term storage. Before we had canning, we had pickling. Pickling not only preserved our vegetables to last us through winters, it could give them new flavors and textures. Pickle some baby carrots with a couple hot peppers, and you've got a jar of some very tasty carrots. And of course, there's dill. Dill and cucumbers go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and chocolate, or peanut butter and nacho cheese Doritos. It's too bad you can't pickle peanut butter, that would be something to accomplish.

Pickles have another key role in our culture, aside from being a great counterpart to greasy delicious hamburgers. It's said, though not generally true, that pregnant women tend to have a desperate craving at times for a good pickle, especially in combination with something confusing, like almond flavored ice cream or ricotta cheese.
Pickles do not last forever, though they might make a damn good effort at it. The biggest thing holding them back is their glass jars; they break easily, they're heavy, they just don't travel as well as aluminum cans. Pickles won't be a major part of your diet as you travel. Having children won't be a part of that either. But eventually, that will change.


Anything you can do, we can do better

The worst part of having to cooperate with another person is always going to be the other person. Check out the bullet list.

  • Sneak away while they're sleeping
    • No tearful goodbyes, no violence, but terrible for a guilty conscience. You'll probably wonder what happened to them, and they'll certainly wonder about you. 
  • Kill them in their sleep
    • No tearful goodbyes, but it's not very nice. That's OK if you're OK with that, and there's some advantages, like not having to leave any food or supplies behind for the other person. 
  • Have a fight, leave in a huff
    • The trouble with this option is that you'll probably have to leave a lot of stuff behind. The person you're fighting with won't take kindly to you taking a fair share of the food and supplies. Try and make them leave, and you'll end up with the lion's share. 
  • Mexican standoff, last one standing keeps all the nachos.
    • This is a great option if you feel lucky. Be sure to count the shots beforehand; Dirty Harry taught us the importance of knowing whether or not there's one bullet left in someone else's gun.
Not liking your options so far? Consider the following, as Mr. Nye would say. 
  • Suck it up, hold your tongue, and work together.
    • No violence, or at least not between living people. Sure, they're an asshole, but as long as they're alive and not trying to kill you, you can use them to help you survive.