"Did you hear about New York?"

When the end begins, it's going to start in one place before it spreads to the rest of us. We won't hear about it right away unless the authorities know what they're doing - so we probably won't hear about it right away, and probably not until it's much much too late.
Wherever it starts, it's going to spread quickly; if it starts somewhere suburban or even rural, it will probably spread faster than the news of it. That is, until it reaches a major urban center. In a major urban area, there are news people all over the place, and the kind of hell that will be caused by zombie outbreak will certainly interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting. You might hear about "riots" or even "violent protest" (because if it can sound political it's more newsworthy, right?), though no one will have any real information on what the cause is.

Once the violence reaches a certain level, it'll be interrupting the regularly scheduled broadcasting where you live too, even if you're in LA. "Unexplained riots in the streets of New York City, violence spreading through the streets, death tolls impossible to estimate." Someone will mention terrorism; some terrorist bastard must have released a chemical that made the people crazy. Never mind that there's no evidence; at least it's not a real unholy plague of the undead. This story will probably be the basis for most of the stories people will spread about what "really happened".
But you'll just think, "Holy crap, that's awful! I hope it never happens here!"
But it will.


What do you do when you're half a world away from the zombie breakout? Prepare, prepare, prepare!

The CDC recently ran simulations for global plagues where everyone exposed becomes infected. It took about a year for it to spread all the way and infect every major population center. Don't count on that year; the Zombie Plague will spread faster than they simulated, because they expect some kind of incubation period and that the plague won't seek out new hosts and carriers. It won't take days to destroy New York City - it will take hours. Maybe one day, but never more than two unless the CDC has Martha Stewart's Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Kits, plus the proper plans to actually prevent the spread of the Zombie Plague.









For the record, I have tried to work with the CDC on this very issue. They are not interested in my input. They either do not take zombies seriously (good way to die) or they have their own experts and don't want to lend a corner of their authority to validate my fear-mongering. Well. I've got my plans, and they may or may not have theirs. We'll see who lives longest in the end.


Use your time, such as you have, wisely.

The first thing you need to do, and the most important, is to recognize the threat. Zombies could be anywhere, any time. The first Undead may have risen in the last five minutes somewhere in the world. Soon, they will attack the first human victim. Your job, then, is to watch. Listen. Huge "riots" will make the news here, so listen to the news often. Do you get NPR? They have headlines every hour on the hour, and that makes it as close to an international early-warning system as you're likely to have.
If you can, organize a watchdog group. The more ears listening, the better - heads count too, so two one-eared people are better than one person with two ears, but best of all is all three in separate hemispheres all keeping their eyes and ears on alert.

Once the threat is identified, step two comes into play: prepare to defend your stores. There are going to be two important milestones in the Zombie Apocalypse for you: the moment when people start believing in the Zombie Apocalypse and the moment it actually reaches your area. The time between the two is going to be extremely dangerous for you, because you had the sense to be prepared when others did not. Use the time before the general awareness to prepare yourself to bunker down through the epidemic. Be the first to buy 15 cases of bottled water. It's going to go quickly soon enough; more for you, and you can always share later.
Money will probably not matter much, but do be sure before digging yourself an impressive hole of debt. If the Apocalypse is clearly upon you, however, max out everything you've got before the money becomes useless, and trade the imaginary currency for tangible supplies and food stores. You'll want to have waited until it's too late for debt collectors to call.
Do all this quietly, if you can. If your preparations are too obvious and too serious, people will freak out faster. Make multiple trips, go to different stores. Wear clean clothes, speak clearly and don't look crazy for God's sake.

Now that you've got a semi-permanent but secure lair worked out, you need to watch everything and everyone. Watch the spread of the zombies, and know that the fear of them will be spreading at an exponential rate ahead of the plague. Watch the people around you for signs of that fear, because fearful people are easily convinced - this time, they'll be convinced of the truth they don't want to believe, and the sooner they believe it the worse it is for you. You need to be able to disappear without a trace before people know you had the right idea, preferably before they realize what you're really doing. If they know you're prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse, they'll be looking for you once it hits. Won't matter even if you warned them - if they didn't believe you before, evidence will prove in your favor in the end, and they know you're the one with the goods.

Uh, hey. So, like, there's all these zombies and stuff...

Finally, bunker down and prepare to wait out the worst of what's coming. If you're secure, hidden, and (in case of emergency) have a good escape plan, you've got a good chance for survival. But it won't just be zombies you have to worry about. Live humans are actually much more dangerous for you.

Not how the fable ended, though it would have been more instructional.

See, zombies want what they want. They're dead, not desperate. They're violent, not psychotic. They're deadly and infectious, not consciously bent on finding and killing you for the perceived wrong you did them by not automatically including them in your plans. Zombies are a global disaster, but on a local level, desperate people facing that oncoming disaster will probably do more that can harm you than the zombies themselves. If the zombies don't see or hear you, they won't try to dig you out of hiding. The people, though, they might be able to figure you out. And once they've already looted the rest of town, your stuff will look mighty tasty.
So arrange a diversion plan. "I'm going to move to Ann Arbor, Michigan." And hey, that's a good idea. Arrange your hideout away from everyone who knows you, tell those people you're going to some other third location, and don't tell anyone in your real new location that you're there. Just secure a place, inconspicuous and unlikely to be broken in to by people looking for canned vegetables.
If moving to Michigan or somewhere in northern Canada isn't a real option, pretend that you're doing it at least. Just make sure that no one knows to come find you when they're at their most desperate; it's a lot safer when you're both equally desperate. The desperation part will come sooner or later for everyone, yourself included.



Remember, the rules for this place are basically the same as for your real home, if the plague had caught you unawares. It's not permanent, it never can be. You'll have to leave eventually, or you'll die inside. The idea here is to hide and fortify to survive the initial disaster, then emerge again still strong once it's (relatively) safe to do so. From there you can seek out other humans and try to rebuild and survive together.


Next week.... Zombies On Ice! (not the ballet, and not the drink either)