When the end begins, it's going to start in one place before it spreads to the rest of us. We won't hear about it right away unless the authorities know what they're doing - so we probably won't hear about it right away, and probably not until it's much much too late.
Wherever it starts, it's going to spread quickly; if it starts somewhere suburban or even rural, it will probably spread faster than the news of it. That is, until it reaches a major urban center. In a major urban area, there are news people all over the place, and the kind of hell that will be caused by zombie outbreak will certainly interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting. You might hear about "riots" or even "violent protest" (because if it can sound political it's more newsworthy, right?), though no one will have any real information on what the cause is.
Once the violence reaches a certain level, it'll be interrupting the regularly scheduled broadcasting where you live too, even if you're in LA. "Unexplained riots in the streets of New York City, violence spreading through the streets, death tolls impossible to estimate." Someone will mention terrorism; some terrorist bastard must have released a chemical that made the people crazy. Never mind that there's no evidence; at least it's not a real unholy plague of the undead. This story will probably be the basis for most of the stories people will spread about what "really happened".
But you'll just think, "Holy crap, that's awful! I hope it never happens here!"
But it will.
11.11.2010
Making Pickles: more important than you think.
Think about it for a minute. Think about pickles.
Pickles are vegetables (we usually think of cucumbers) that have been preserved for long-term storage. Before we had canning, we had pickling. Pickling not only preserved our vegetables to last us through winters, it could give them new flavors and textures. Pickle some baby carrots with a couple hot peppers, and you've got a jar of some very tasty carrots. And of course, there's dill. Dill and cucumbers go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and chocolate, or peanut butter and nacho cheese Doritos. It's too bad you can't pickle peanut butter, that would be something to accomplish.
Pickles have another key role in our culture, aside from being a great counterpart to greasy delicious hamburgers. It's said, though not generally true, that pregnant women tend to have a desperate craving at times for a good pickle, especially in combination with something confusing, like almond flavored ice cream or ricotta cheese.
Pickles do not last forever, though they might make a damn good effort at it. The biggest thing holding them back is their glass jars; they break easily, they're heavy, they just don't travel as well as aluminum cans. Pickles won't be a major part of your diet as you travel. Having children won't be a part of that either. But eventually, that will change.
Pickles are vegetables (we usually think of cucumbers) that have been preserved for long-term storage. Before we had canning, we had pickling. Pickling not only preserved our vegetables to last us through winters, it could give them new flavors and textures. Pickle some baby carrots with a couple hot peppers, and you've got a jar of some very tasty carrots. And of course, there's dill. Dill and cucumbers go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and chocolate, or peanut butter and nacho cheese Doritos. It's too bad you can't pickle peanut butter, that would be something to accomplish.
Pickles have another key role in our culture, aside from being a great counterpart to greasy delicious hamburgers. It's said, though not generally true, that pregnant women tend to have a desperate craving at times for a good pickle, especially in combination with something confusing, like almond flavored ice cream or ricotta cheese.
Pickles do not last forever, though they might make a damn good effort at it. The biggest thing holding them back is their glass jars; they break easily, they're heavy, they just don't travel as well as aluminum cans. Pickles won't be a major part of your diet as you travel. Having children won't be a part of that either. But eventually, that will change.
11.04.2010
Anything you can do, we can do better
The worst part of having to cooperate with another person is always going to be the other person. Check out the bullet list.
- Sneak away while they're sleeping
- No tearful goodbyes, no violence, but terrible for a guilty conscience. You'll probably wonder what happened to them, and they'll certainly wonder about you.
- Kill them in their sleep
- No tearful goodbyes, but it's not very nice. That's OK if you're OK with that, and there's some advantages, like not having to leave any food or supplies behind for the other person.
- Have a fight, leave in a huff
- The trouble with this option is that you'll probably have to leave a lot of stuff behind. The person you're fighting with won't take kindly to you taking a fair share of the food and supplies. Try and make them leave, and you'll end up with the lion's share.
- Mexican standoff, last one standing keeps all the nachos.
- This is a great option if you feel lucky. Be sure to count the shots beforehand; Dirty Harry taught us the importance of knowing whether or not there's one bullet left in someone else's gun.
- Suck it up, hold your tongue, and work together.
- No violence, or at least not between living people. Sure, they're an asshole, but as long as they're alive and not trying to kill you, you can use them to help you survive.
10.31.2010
Zombextra! A Halloween special, of sorts.
Because you wanted it. You demanded it via an email chain letter petition; "take a break from survival strategies and do something fun for Halloween" you said. "Say something interesting about fictional zombies" you said.
Too much seriousness, eh? Living is serious business, we all tend to take it much to lightly if you ask me.
Well, you ask, and you shall be rewarded.
Too much seriousness, eh? Living is serious business, we all tend to take it much to lightly if you ask me.
Well, you ask, and you shall be rewarded.
10.28.2010
Zombie Hell is other people
[rewinding...]
Here we are, 7 am or so on a nice sunny Saturday morning, and your alarm clock is going off because you didn't turn it off. Blah blah blah, Zombie Apocalypse. Let's skip this part, we went over it once before. The difference here is that you didn't wake up alone, and you're very tempted to stay in bed for a while and get some Zombie Day action; I won't stop you, it might be your last good chance. Get back to me when you're done.
Yeah, you had a great weekend planned, all these things the two of you were going to do, like living, eating food that's been dead more than an hour, staying inside with nothing but each other for company. Well, you might get to do some of those things, so at least your weekend isn't ruined.
Here we are, 7 am or so on a nice sunny Saturday morning, and your alarm clock is going off because you didn't turn it off. Blah blah blah, Zombie Apocalypse. Let's skip this part, we went over it once before. The difference here is that you didn't wake up alone, and you're very tempted to stay in bed for a while and get some Zombie Day action; I won't stop you, it might be your last good chance. Get back to me when you're done.
Yeah, you had a great weekend planned, all these things the two of you were going to do, like living, eating food that's been dead more than an hour, staying inside with nothing but each other for company. Well, you might get to do some of those things, so at least your weekend isn't ruined.
10.21.2010
You think you know, but you have no idea.
That bit last time about not pretending to be a zombie really isn't about survival (unless you're dumb enough to try it, in which case I saved your life - your welcome, by the way), but it's something you might think of that you really shouldn't. It also brings up a great topic: Things you think you know!
You think you know: Zombies don't run, they shamble.
Well, you may be right, you may be wrong. Luckily, I don't have a zombie here to check it out on, so we'll have to theorize.
You think you know: Zombies don't run, they shamble.
Well, you may be right, you may be wrong. Luckily, I don't have a zombie here to check it out on, so we'll have to theorize.
10.13.2010
How Not to be Seen
We are ready to move around outside now! Pretty exciting, isn't it? So are you walking or driving? Gonna try driving, eh? well here's something to think about first.
You will be seen! Seen and heard, really; the hearing may be more important, as loud as your car probably is. At this point, you're probably happier about that electric car you bought than ever, right? Silent and life-preserving, or nearly so. Wait, you didn't buy an electric car. Well that's probably fine, it'll be hard to recharge it once the battery runs out anyway. Gas, on the other hand, will be easier to find, but like I said you run a greater risk of attracting attention.
Things that seem "close" by car are a hell of a long way away when you're walking. If it takes you ten or fifteen minutes to drive somewhere, it's probably a good idea to plan on taking the whole day to get there on foot. I suppose you're going to try proving me wrong, right? You're gonna try walking to your intended first-base location today, just to prove you know the route and how long it'll take you. Well, remember that you won't want to walk on the roads if you can help it; too open, too easy to be seen. You'll also be avoiding zombies and carrying everything you intend to possess, so don't think you'll move as fast then as you might today.
If you're driving, this rule is the king: Know Your Route! If you're going somewhere you're already familiar with, you need to know multiple ways to get there from where you are. The main intersections and major roads could easily be jammed up, so you'll want to know a back way. Those other roads will be less busy, but they're narrower and easier to jam up.
You will not keep your car very long, so don't get attached! The further you need to go from home, the more likely that you'll eventually encounter some kind of traffic jam or quarantine roadblock (ha!) that you just won't find a way around. There's good news for these situations though: somewhere up ahead there's a car that you can maneuver out of the situation onto relatively clear roads, it probably has the keys in it, and there's not likely to be any corpses to remove from it - unless they stayed in the car long enough to die from hunger, any corpses would have found their way out, one way or another. What you really want is a car that was abandoned in haste, so look for open doors in that situation.
Hot-wiring the car is a useful skill if you have it, but for legal reasons I can't help you figure it out. If you know the general idea, find some diagrams of the wiring for a car's ignition switch to study. I suppose it'll be different between different makes and models, but the more you know...
You will be seen! Seen and heard, really; the hearing may be more important, as loud as your car probably is. At this point, you're probably happier about that electric car you bought than ever, right? Silent and life-preserving, or nearly so. Wait, you didn't buy an electric car. Well that's probably fine, it'll be hard to recharge it once the battery runs out anyway. Gas, on the other hand, will be easier to find, but like I said you run a greater risk of attracting attention.
Things that seem "close" by car are a hell of a long way away when you're walking. If it takes you ten or fifteen minutes to drive somewhere, it's probably a good idea to plan on taking the whole day to get there on foot. I suppose you're going to try proving me wrong, right? You're gonna try walking to your intended first-base location today, just to prove you know the route and how long it'll take you. Well, remember that you won't want to walk on the roads if you can help it; too open, too easy to be seen. You'll also be avoiding zombies and carrying everything you intend to possess, so don't think you'll move as fast then as you might today.
If you're driving, this rule is the king: Know Your Route! If you're going somewhere you're already familiar with, you need to know multiple ways to get there from where you are. The main intersections and major roads could easily be jammed up, so you'll want to know a back way. Those other roads will be less busy, but they're narrower and easier to jam up.
You will not keep your car very long, so don't get attached! The further you need to go from home, the more likely that you'll eventually encounter some kind of traffic jam or quarantine roadblock (ha!) that you just won't find a way around. There's good news for these situations though: somewhere up ahead there's a car that you can maneuver out of the situation onto relatively clear roads, it probably has the keys in it, and there's not likely to be any corpses to remove from it - unless they stayed in the car long enough to die from hunger, any corpses would have found their way out, one way or another. What you really want is a car that was abandoned in haste, so look for open doors in that situation.
Hot-wiring the car is a useful skill if you have it, but for legal reasons I can't help you figure it out. If you know the general idea, find some diagrams of the wiring for a car's ignition switch to study. I suppose it'll be different between different makes and models, but the more you know...
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